ZUDEMA

12005 June 02

It seemed like a joke, but i was trying to focus on the situation. It had something to do with the rope tied around the ankle. Someone asked how quickly it could be untied, but i thought that it would have to be wrapped around a tree first so that the car did not pull the person away. I then started to feel that this was a serious thing. I wondered if i could wrap the rope around the small tree before the car took off. This situation seemed threatening and dangerous, and i started to feel anxious about it. I felt that the others were trying to trick us into feeling safe here. I then saw the image of the man on the ground. His legs were spread over his head as he lay on his back. He seemed to be wearing a red plaid kilt. He was dead from being dragged behind a car. I suddenly realized that this was a serious thing. The others were really trying to kill us by tricking us into thinking this was not serious. They were trying to make it seem like a game, but they were very malicious. I felt worried and wondered what to do.

12005 June 07

I felt special to have a baby, but i was worried about taking care of it. I held the small child in my hands as i walked to the east, across the dimly lighted room. $F45 was standing to the southeast of me, to the south of the bed. I placed the small baby on the southern end of the bed, in the middle of the thick pink duvet. Just after i let go of the child, however, it rolled to the west and fell off of the bed, landing on the floor with a thud. I felt suddenly panicked and leaned over to pick up the small baby. It seemed very small and round as i carefully lifted it up and put it on the bed. $F45 stood to the east of the bed. The baby fit into the palm of my hand, I hoped that it was not injured fro the fall. I thought that someone might accuse me of abuse if it had serious head injuries. I looked at the round face. The face seemed blue and wrinkled, and i worried that the baby was not well. I started pacing the room, looking at the infant in my hand. Something seemed wrong. I wondered why i had a child. This situation did not seem right. I looked to the north to see the other person in the room watching me. I felt that this event was being staged. I looked down at the doll in my left hand. It was crudely carved out of old wood, with old dulling paint marking out pants and sleeves. The stubby red arms seemed chipped and splintered. This was not a real baby. It was some magical illusion. I realized that there never was a baby. It was all a fake reality. The memories had been introduced into my head, but none of them ever happened. I felt angry and suddenly hurt. They had tricked me into caring about this child, but it was really just a doll and an illusion.

12005 June 08

I drove my can to the south, toward the railroad tracks which crossed the road. I seemed to be at the crossing in $P127. There seemed to be some wreckage to the west of the road, as though a tractor-trailer had crashed here. I wondered how the truck had been torn apart. Then i remembered that there had been a train accident here before. As i passed over the tracks, i noticed that the square metal plates which had been resting on the ground at even intervals along the northern side of the tracks had been torn up. I though that the train wreck had torn up the edges of the metal plates. The plates were now twisted, with the sharp metal corners sticking up. Someone should have fixed the plates after the train wreck. The new accident was probably caused by the truck running into one of the plates. I continued down the road to the south, pausing at the intersection. A police vehicle was approaching from the north. I felt suddenly afraid that they would be after me because i was at the scene of the accident. I had seen something that i should not have. I did not want to be involved in the accident reporting and thought that i should deny everything. I felt relieved as the dark-blue police van passed me and turned to the west. I still worried that they knew about me. They were going to be after me. I drove to the west, heading to my grandmother’s house. I worried that they were already heading there to find me. I continued walking down the street to the west. I then noticed a grey van to the north. It turned to the west on the next street over. It was a military vehicle, and i felt afraid that they would find me. I came down the city street and walked into the building. This place was my office. It seemed to be very early in the morning, but i thought that i could sleep here until others started to come in for the workday. I then realized that i did not have my keys with me. I felt frustrated but tried the keys i had with me anyway. I was relieved that one of the keys unlocked the door to my office, which was a white modern door in the western wall of the corridor. I went into the office, thinking that i could sleep, but the woman then asked me about the stuff. I told her that it was missing. There were white counters along the eastern wall of the office, on both sides of the entrance door, and the western wall was covered with shelves and file cabinets. The office seemed very small. I pulled open a drawer of a file cabinet on the western wall. The drawer was full of red files, but, as i flipped through them, i realized that they were all empty. I felt upset that everything had been taken. It had something to do with the police. Something felt very wrong, and i was upset about it.

12005 June 09

I walked through the large farm house. The rooms of the house seemed dirty, as though no one had lived here for a very long time. The white wallpaper on the wall to the south of me was dingy, but i could still make out the vertical stripes of the different shades of white. I felt slightly uneasy here. I knew that there was something special about this place. I thought that it might be haunted. I thought about this as i continued along the wall, heading east. I had come from the room to the west, where my father had been watching television. The room to the west seemed warm with incandescent light, though it seemed crudely furnished. I came to an area where the wall to the south ended in a ragged corner. It seemed that the plaster of the wall had been torn away, exposing a wide shallow closet behind it. This was one of the haunted areas. I reached into the closet for something when i was suddenly surprised by the group of children standing at the back of the closet. They were dressed in dark clothing and stared solemnly at me, their faces pale and stoic. I was startled at first, but, as i looked over their features, i thought that they seemed more like a cheap movie effect. They were really not that scary. I then noticed that each of them was holding out a long purple zucchini, as though offering it to me. Each zucchini had a yellow stem at the end facing me. There was some symbolic importance to the vegetable, and i reached for the zucchini being held by one of the older boys, who stood in the center of the group. There was something special about the fruit, and i suspected that there was a trap set for me. The vegetable was somehow tainted. I touched the end of the vegetable and gabbed on to the thick yellow stem. I broke the stem off of the zucchini, removing the dangerous trap, and then took the vegetable from the boy. The children looked back at me, appearing to be disappointed that i had figured out their trap. I then felt humoured by the situation. This was too absurd to be taken seriously. I could not imagine how someone could think that this situation was scary. The zucchini has some magical significance, and i was worthy enough to be able to obtain it. I turned back to the north and started back up the grassy hill. It was dark now, and there seemed to be others waiting at the top of the hill. A fog was moving through the area, and there was a pale light illuminating the area, as though from the moon. The crest of the steep hill ran east to west. To the north-northwest of me, at the top of the hill, stood a thick tree with a wide crown. It was silhouetted against the foggy background, which was being illuminated by an artificial light from somewhere on the top of the eastern end of the hill. I could see the silhouettes of people waiting at the top of the hill. As i took a few steps toward the top of the hill, i realized that the government was at the top waiting for us. They wanted to stop us and capture the magic. I stopped in the middle of the hill, unsure what i should do. There was something special about the house, and the people at the top of the hill were unaware of it. The government would be telling them of the danger in the house to scare them away. I was afraid to go to the top of the hill because i knew that the government might kill me for knowing that the magic was harmless and useful. The situation felt very tense, and i wondered what could be done. The people had to be informed of the special nature of the house before the government captured it and destroyed it. I then knew that someone had a bomb. The government had made up a story about the danger of the house, and the people were panicked. Someone was trying to hold the government away from the house by threatening to detonate a bomb. I started up the hill again, wondering what i could do. I then realized that the bomb was an atomic bomb. I thought that it would destroy the house and everything around. Someone had started a confrontation which would confuse the situation. The person was threatening to blow up the house if the government did not leave. I realized that the situation had become very dangerous, and i wondered what to do. I reached the top of the hill and looked around, confused. There were silhouettes of people moving around in confusion. I wondered whether the government would capture me because of what i knew. I worried about the atomic bomb that was ready to explode. I also realized that there was another bomb present. It was a genesis bomb. The government was ready to let the bombs be detonated to secure the magic of the house. I worried about these bombs, asking one of the people next to me if he were aware that the bomb was an “MVR”. The man did not seem to know what i was talking about, so i explained that an “MVR” was a multiple-warhead missile. The person who had captured the magic would threaten the government by threatening to use it, but he did not know exactly how much damage it would cause. I felt betrayed, knowing that the man was only threatening to blow up the bomb because he was working for the government. The government had made the man infiltrate the house and then threaten to blow up things with a large bomb so that the government would have to take action. I worried that they would simply detonate the bomb in order to get rid of the house. They only wanted the man to threaten the government in this standoff so that the public would not question the destruction of the house. I had to get out of here. I headed to the northeast, up the rest of the slope of the hill with $Z. As we reached the top, we passed some army guards. I thought that they would not attack us, because they would know that we were not included in the standoff. The kids in the house were for the magic, and the troops knew that they were no real threat. I felt suddenly uncomfortable and had to get out of here. I ran to the south, back down the hill. The bottom of the hill seemed to end suddenly at a narrow gorge. There was a tree growing at the near edge of the gore. I jumped back to the tree, where i had been before, but the tree was now in the process of falling into the gorge. I held on to the tree, realizing that i was now in danger of getting killed. I held onto the tree, however, trusting that i would be spared. He tree fell horizontally into the gorge, and i thought that i would get seriously injured as hit the bottom of the rocky gorge. As the tree crashed to the bottom of the gorge, however, i realized that i was not hurt after all. Something had changed, however. The government had taken action, and i wondered if the bombs had gone off. I thought that the gorge would protect me, but i had to get to a safe area. I stood up and ran down the gorge to the west. The bottom of the gorge was very narrow, and the steep grey stone walls were rough with protruding pieces of thin rock. As i headed west, the valley seemed to widen and become tangled with thick vegetation. I was then running down a dirt path in the middle of a secluded forest. I came to the hidden house, where i knew the other magic people would have come. The house was white and simple, and it seemed like a monastery or hidden sacred temple. I came into the hall of the building as the others were entering from the south. There were two nuns in white leading an older dark-skinned woman into the sanctuary. The older woman seemed special. She had a round face and short curly hair. She was wearing an orange robe with a reddish-orange stole. She seemed confused, asking in a shaky voice whether she had saved the sisters. I knew that she had come from the magic place, but the government had damaged her. The other women tried to comfort her, telling her that she had saved many of the sisters, but i knew that it was not true. The woman did not know who she was. The government had erased her memory so that she could not practice magic any more. I felt angered at what they had done to her. I was mad that they were trying to erase the idea of magic from everyone. No one would have any evidence of the atrocity that the government had committed.

12005 June 13

I was walking to the south, across the open field which seemed to be near a school. The grass was short and dry, as though it was mid summer. I then noticed a small dark spot in the sky to the southwest of me. It seemed to be a black spot on the blue sky, and it reminded me of a sunspot. I then realized that there were a couple other spots on the sky, and i started to wonder whether they were extraterrestrial ships. One of the spots then dissipated, spreading out slightly and fading into the pale blue of the sky. I realized that the spot was the cloud of an explosion. A jet fighter then passed over the cloud, and i realized that the airplane must have destroyed something in the sky. I felt weary of the fighter, thinking that it was dangerous. I thought that it might attack this area. As the jet passed overhead, missiles dropped from its underside and streamed to the east. For a moment, i thought that the fighter might be firing the missiles at us, but the missiles passed overhead and continued to the east. I watched the airplane as it flew over the large plain building to the east. The building seemed to be a school or factory. The jet turned slightly to the south, and the missiles turned with it. They must be guided missiles. They were turning with the focus of the fighter. I knew that the airplanes were after this place. The missiles made a wide arch in the sky and then started back toward me. I turned and ran into the cement-block building to the north. As i reached the metal door, i realized that there was a picture of a bomb on it. This building was used to store bombs. I thought that the bombs could be nuclear. The others in the airplanes were trying to destroy the nuclear weapons. I ran through the door and turned quickly to the west, heading down a long set of stairs. I thought that there was a bunker in this building, and i thought that i should get to safety before the bombs hit. I then realized that the bunker might not be safe if a nuclear explosion occurred near the door. The bunker would be too close to the blast to survive the impact and radiation. I wondered what to do. As i reached one of the lower levels of the building, i realized that there was a large frosted-glass multipane window to the north. This area was not safe. The blast would burn the building around us anyway because most of it was exposed to the outside. Even if we did find the bunker and were safe from the blast, the ruins of the building would burry us. I then imagined the blast going off. I knew that there would not be enough time to realize that there had been a blast. The high energy of the explosion would vaporize me instantly. I wondered if an afterlife would be possible. I knew that the spirit of the body could be saved when the dying person focused the energy into a stable form during death, but if the death occurred before the body could realize, then there might not be time to focus on the energy pattern. I thought that the spirit of the body would just end. There would be nothing left to contain it. I turned to the east and headed back into one of the buildings. I was heading to the passageway to one of the other buildings. As i ran down the white corridor, i could see the grey signs which pointed the direction to the other building. I followed the signs to the northeast, down one of the dark corridors. I then turned to the west down a short passageway. I came out into a larger corridor and turned to the north, following the hall which led to the lab. I felt confused. This did not seem to be the proper way to go. I looked ahead of me to see the laboratory door open at the end of the short hall. The room on the other side of the door seemed large, and there was large white equipment on the eastern side of the room. I stopped before entering the room. This was not the right way. I knew that there was no way to leave the laboratory. I looked to the east, noticing a man in a white lab coat. He seemed to be a researcher in this building. I asked him how to get to the other building. I told him that i was looking for the “ILR” building, but i thought that the signs that i had been following had said something else. I turned around and headed back down the cross passageway, back to the east. When i reached the other corridor, i turned north and continued. I rounded the corner of the passageway and started northwest. I now seemed to be in a passage on the edge of the building. There was a door to the north which opened to an office. As i headed down the corridor, i realized that there were several tee shirts of various colours hanging from the northern wall. They all had decals on the fronts of them. There were several tables against the north wall under the hanging shirts. I realized that this area was where the print shop was. As i continued to the northwest, i realized that there were many types of clothing on the tables and glass display shelves. They were all for sale. This seemed strange. I did not expect to find a small store in the laboratory building. I slowed a little and started walking, feeling confused by the items for sale around me. The corridor turned to the west and opened up into a small room. This place seemed to be a cafeteria. There was a class counter on the western wall where a cashier stood. There seemed to be several baked goods inside the glass counter. To the north o me were several small round tables with chairs around them. It seemed early in the day, and no one was eating here yet, but there did seem to be several people at the counters. I had to find the corridor to the other building. I then started to feel weak as i continued to the west. I thought that i had been traveling all morning. I left the cafeteria through the small door in western wall and started down a white corridor. There seemed to be lecture halls to the north. I did not feel like doing anything today and though that i should leave this place and do something that i enjoyed. I wanted to get some ice cream in the cafeteria. I continued down the corridor to the west until i came to a counter where ice cream was sold. The counter seemed like the counter of the cafeteria. I felt as tough i was making a whimsical decision. I thought that i should get a large bowl for breakfast. I knew that ice cream would not be good for breakfast, but i felt like eating it anyway. I was now heading to the east, toward the counter, which was not on the eastern wall. This place seemed like the cashier station in the cafeteria of my elementary school. There was a woman standing at the counter, but i realized that the counter was closed. I felt discouraged and upset. I asked the woman when the counter opens, and she told me that it would open at nine. I looked at the clock on the north wall of the room and noticed that it was a little after nine now. I thought that i really should be at classes, but i did not want to go. I knew that my classes started at 9:05. I thought that i could still go after i eat. The ice cream bar would be just opening, and i could eat some ice cream and then wander into class late. I did not think that this was a good way to live, but i thought that it was the way that i was at the moment. It would have to do.

12005 June 21

I was in the passenger seat of the car as $Z drove to the west, across the sandy area. This place seemed like a shallow lake. I had been watching the large birds around this area just before we got here. As we drove over the sand, i could see that the area ahead of us was covered with water. I knew that it was shallow because i remembered that the other car had driven across it. The other car parked somewhere on the north side of the area, near a sand bank. I thought that we would do the same, so i looked for the small sandy island where the other car had parked. There were several other tourists in the area, parked on various spots along the dunes. Patches of tall green grass grew along the tops of the dune. The truck we were in moved quickly over the shallow water of the lake. I looked at the small sandy dune which was sticking up to the northwest, thinking that we should park near it. It had a small crooked leafless tree sticking up from the top. As we approached, i noticed that there was a large bald eagle sitting on top of the branch. I was surprised to see the bird, and pointed it out to the other. As we slowed down, i started to worry that the ground was too soft. I worried that we might get stuck in the wet sand. I pointed out to the other person that we should park to the north, but he drove right past the parking space. I felt upset that he did not pay attention and said that we had to be careful not to get stuck in the soft sand. There were several areas here which dangerous to get your car stuck in. He turned to the south and pulled to the west of a large dune. I then was looking at the eagle to the south of us again. It seemed to be a very large bird, and i realized that it was actually running on the ground. The bird charged toward us, and i thought that it might attack. I told the other person that we must be near its eggs. It was trying to defend its territory. I was afraid that it would attack our car. It ran on the ground like a dinosaur, and i thought it was very much like a small raptor. I thought that this must be a distant relative of the large raptor dinosaurs. It was different only in that it had thick furry grey feathers and a yellow beak.

I looked to the west, across the wide river. I was standing on the cement foundation which seemed to stretch into the center of the water. I thought that i was on a bridge which headed to the south. The woman with me walked to the west, along one of the many metal tubes which were in the water. The tubes were painted green, and the seams were riveted like old steam pipes. I thought that the pipes were placed in the water to help divert the river’s flow so that the river could not change direction. It would reduce the current along the riverbanks so that the river would not wear through a bank around a corner. This river seemed like the Mississippi. I was amazed at the sight of the metal structures in the water to the west of me. The surface of the river was covered with long green metal pipes which stretched to the west. I looked around at the sight, trying to admire it as best i could. I then noticed that there were several green metal structures made out of I beams. The structures rose out of the water over the pipes, as though they were parts of submerged bridges. There was something unsafe about this environment. I was afraid to move because i felt that i might fall into the swiftly moving water. The woman jumped to the west, though, across several of the pipes. I worried that she might slip off and fall into the water. As i watched her turn north and start jumping across the pipes, i noticed that one of her feet slipped and landed in the water. She only sand up to her ankle before she continued hopping to the next pipe. I felt somewhat relieved, thinking that the water was obviously shallow.

12005 June 22

I gathered my things from the western side of the room so that i could leave. I had been here with a group of others. The room had beige walls and little furnishings. There seemed to be several wooden chairs scattered through the room. They were arranged into a crude circle for the function that i was attending. The chairs seemed to be darkly stained wooden captains chairs. There was one window in the center of the south wall of the room, but, as i turned back to he east to leave, it seemed that there were two windows in the south wall. This building seemed old, as though it had not originally been created for this purpose. I picked up my things from the chair near the western wall that i had been sitting in. I started to the east, along the southern side of the room. There was a group of people gathered in the northeast corner of the room. They were going through orientation for this college. There seemed to be a small black sofa facing the north wall on which some of the students were sitting. I felt like i might be in their way. I felt as though i had been in the room when they entered, but i did not have anything to do here anymore. The young students were sitting to the south of a long table which was against the north wall. A faculty member was sitting on the edge of the table, talking to the students. I hoped that i was not interrupting their meeting as i walked out the door in the southern end of the eastern wall. I was then outside the building, heading west along the face of the building. I still had to get something, and i tried to remember why i was at this college. I was no longer a student, but i was still here. There were several cars parked in the front of the building. I walked along the damp dead grass to the north of them when i realized that i was not heading anywhere in particular. I looked up to the west. There were a few patches of snow still on the ground and it felt damp out. I turned to the south, rounding the car at the end of the gravel parking lot and turning back to the east. I turned north again and headed into the old stone dorm building. The building was worn and seemed to be to the east of the building in which i had been. I walked down the narrow entrance corridor of the building and turned to the east at the end. It was dark in the hall and the white plaster walls seemed dingy. There was dark trim on the baseboards, and the fluorescent light on the ceiling was dim and flickering. I walked only a short way before turning to the north and heading into one of the apartments. The door to the apartment was old and made of heavily varnished wood. Many scrapes and cuts were visible in its surface. As i stepped into the room, i noticed $A239 standing in front of me. I was surprised to see him in my dorm room, thinking that it had been a long time since i had lived with him before. I greeted him happily as i walked into the apartment. There was a long living room stretching to the east, and there were several doors in the northern wall. The door straight ahead seemed to lead into the bathroom. I asked $A239 how he had been. It had been a long time since i had seen him, and there now seemed to be something very interesting about him. He told me that he had been good. He said that he was here studying, and i told him that i was working on a degree, although i was not in a degree program. I wandered along the northern wall as i spoke to him, not really focusing on him. I said that i was studying music now. I wandered to the west, down the hallway which led to the bedrooms, but i had stopped talking. I felt unsure of what more i could say. I no longer knew him well enough to ask enough questions. He was then to the west of me, standing against the northern wall of the corridor. The light here was dim and incandescent, and there seemed to be a mirror on the northern wall, behind $A239’s back. I talked to him some more, feeling very interested in him. His blonde hair was ear length and wavy. I noticed something in it, though, so i reached for it, pulling the pine needles out of his hair. I then realized that he was decorating himself with forest leaves and pine needles. He was wearing a mask and was dressed up in costume. I looked at his face as he turned toward me, noticing the dry leaves around his face and the green bark-like texture of his cheeks. I asked him if he was dressed as the Green Man because of the coming holiday. He said “yes”, but corrected the name of the character. He mentioned his specific name rather than referring to him as “Green Man”. I felt very close to him at this moment and wanted to talk to him some more.